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The Citizens of Gotham Are Not Terribly Bright

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BruceWayneTDK
Jesse Berney’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

Gotham Citizen #1: Did you see the news about that guy who dresses like a bat, wears sophisticated body armor, drives a military-grade vehicle, and beats up criminals?

Gotham Citizen #2: I did! Did you see that magazine profile of Bruce Wayne?

Gotham Citizen #1: You mean the young billionaire defense contractor who mysteriously disappeared for several years with no explanation?

Gotham Citizen #2: Yes, the one who returned to Gotham not long before this so-called Batman appeared.

Gotham Citizen #1: I did see that! So who do you think this “Batman” is?

Gotham Citizen #2: I wish I knew.

***

Gotham Citizen #1: Whoa, did you read the gossip column this morning?

Gotham Citizen #2: No, what happened?

Gotham Citizen #1: Apparently Bruce Wayne’s house was burned down by ninja criminals.

Gotham Citizen #2: How odd! The same ninja criminals who tried to destroy Gotham? The ones Batman thwarted?

Gotham Citizen #1: Yep! Who is Batman, by the way?

Gotham Citizen #2: No idea.

***

Gotham Citizen #1: My goodness.

Gotham Citizen #2: What is it?

Gotham Citizen #1: Says here that Batman went all the way to Hong Kong to capture this guy who was banking for the mob.

Gotham Citizen #2: Wow. That must have cost taxpayers a pretty penny.

Gotham Citizen #1: I don’t think it works that way. I think he pays for everything himself.

Gotham Citizen #2: Who could afford all that?

Gotham Citizen #1: I know, right? Speaking of rich folks, guess who just went on a yachting trip off the coast of Asia?

Gotham Citizen #2: Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne? I bet that guy could fly off to Hong Kong whenever he wanted.

Gotham Citizen #1: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Gotham Citizen #2: Chinese for lunch?

Gotham Citizen #1: Totally.

***

Gotham Citizen #1: Ha!

Gotham Citizen #2: What?

Gotham Citizen #1: Bruce Wayne smashed his Lamborghini.

Gotham Citizen #2: Oh man! Is he OK?

Gotham Citizen #1: Yeah, he’s fine.

Gotham Citizen #2: What happened?

Gotham Citizen #1: He ran a light. His car was totaled by a truck trying to run into the police car carrying that guy who was going to reveal Batman’s name.

Gotham Citizen #2: How lucky for that guy who knew who Batman’s name that Bruce Wayne happened to be driving irresponsibly through that intersection.

Gotham Citizen #1: It gets weirder. The guy who knew Batman’s name used to be a lawyer who worked for Bruce Wayne.

Gotham Citizen #2: That’s crazy! How do you think he found out who Batman was?

Gotham Citizen #1: I guess we’ll never know.

***

Gotham Citizen #1: I was just reading in the paper that billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne has been holed up in his mansion not talking to anyone for eight years.

Gotham Citizen #2: Wow, eight years? That reminds me of a story I saw on the news last week that Batman hasn’t been seen since for eight years.

Gotham Citizen #1: What a strange coincidence.

Gotham Citizen #2: So who do you think Batman is?

Gotham Citizen #2: Heck if I know.

***

Gotham Citizen #1: Really sick of this curfew.

Gotham Citizen #2: I know. Why doesn’t Batman do something about this Bane guy?

Gotham Citizen #1: Who knows? He hasn’t been around for a while.

Gotham Citizen #2: Just like now-former billionaire Bruce Wayne, who was targeted by these criminals as well.

Gotham Citizen #1: What a shame.

Gotham Citizen #2: Maybe Batman is busy helping Bruce Wayne get his money back?

Gotham Citizen #1: Yes, that would explain everything.

***

Gotham Citizen #1: It’s so sad that Bruce Wayne died, isn’t it?

Gotham Citizen #2: Yeah. Not as sad as Batman dying, but definitely sad.

Gotham Citizen #1: And on the same day, too.

Gotham Citizen #2: I know.

Gotham Citizen #1: Think we’ll ever find out who Batman was?

Gotham Citizen #2: Probably not.

Read more The Citizens of Gotham Are Not Terribly Bright at The Toast.

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ryanbrazell
4 days ago
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Fredericksburg, VA
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feistyfeminist: https://twitter.com/coketweet/status/50954700756...

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feistyfeminist:

https://twitter.com/coketweet/status/509547007564734464

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ryanbrazell
5 days ago
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WELP.
Fredericksburg, VA
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-teesa-: 9.9.14 "There is this devaluation of women."

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-teesa-:

9.9.14

"There is this devaluation of women."

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ryanbrazell
5 days ago
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Fredericksburg, VA
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dek-says-so: abbyjean: Charts from OKCupid, showing how...

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dek-says-so:

abbyjean:

Charts from OKCupid, showing how straight women and men rate each other based on ages. For women, the men they find most attractive are roughly their own age. For men, the women they find most attractive are roughly the same age - 20 to 23 - regardless of the age of the man. (538)

Good fucking Christ.

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ryanbrazell
7 days ago
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WELP.
Fredericksburg, VA
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"There’s a stereotype that black people are lazy. I don’t know if that’s true, but I know white..."

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“There’s a stereotype that black people are lazy. I don’t know if that’s true, but I know white people went all the way to Africa to get out of doing work.”

-

Lance Crouther

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(via blackgirlwhiteboylove)

BEST FRIGGIN POST

(via dandridgemonroe)

yes gifs.

(via endlessrebel)

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ryanbrazell
7 days ago
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YASSSS
Fredericksburg, VA
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obytheby: applecocaine: myjamflavouredmindtardis: megan15: th...

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obytheby:

applecocaine:

myjamflavouredmindtardis:

megan15:

theybuildbuildings:

vintagegal:

Girls pose by a jail that recalls the witch trials of 1692 in Salem, Massachusetts. Photo taken in 1945.

I recently learned that the water in Salem was contaminated with the fungus from which LSD is derived and a legitimate theory for the whole thing is that everyone in the town was tripping balls 

This might be the greatest thing ive ever seen on the internet

We did a whole massive thing on this in history. I believe the fungus in question is called Ergot and it’s terrifying. It makes your muscles spasm so when they had seizures that was the reason, not because they were possessed. One woman had to be strapped to her bed, she was seizing so bad. And, like ‘theybuildbuildings’ said, it had the same effects as LSD; as soon as you touch it, let alone consume it, it messes with your entire system. The worst thing is, you practically always had a bad trip. Many complained about bugs crawling under their skin or monsters emerging from the shadows to scratch and bite at them until they were screaming. It was a horrendous thing and the worst part is, Ergot is still around. It grows on crops and, if your wheat isn’t properly treated, it can be eaten and you’ll most likely experience the same as the women of Salem. 

god i love history

This is hella cool and almost correct… 

The effects on the people of Salem were probably from consuming bread with the fungus in it, not from contaminated water. And apparently rye is way more commonly affected than wheat. In fact, often the members of the clergy were able to afford nicer bread made from wheat and thus were not as commonly affected.

You don’t go on a spasm-y trip just by touching it. You have to consume it for weeks, which results in chronic poisoning. ( If you stop eating it early enough, you may recover. So when people suffering from these “demonic possessions” took refuge in churches and stopped eating low-grade rye bread they were sometimes miraculously healed. 

More interesting facts:

Ergot poisoning can result in convulsions & hallucinations, or it can cause gangrene, depending on which group of active alkaloids are present. (Horrifying, either way.) It killed a lot of people in Europe in the Middle Ages. 

In Europe, often there was a strong correlation between wet summers (which provide ideal conditions for ergot) and reports of witchcraft/ possession. And in Norway and Scotland, records of witch persecution are only found in areas where rye was grown and used to make bread.

And I just learned right now that one author dude translated the word “Beowulf” as “barley-wolf” which could indicate a connection to ergot. The LSD-like effects could be a valid explanation for stories of Old Norse warriors going into the a sort of trancelike battle rage.

(this is exactly the kind of stuff my herbology medicinal plants class is about, it’s so cool omfg. we had a lecture on ergot last week.)

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ryanbrazell
11 days ago
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TIL.
Fredericksburg, VA
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